its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
