I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
