what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm bleeding and have questions
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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