it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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