My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's rum buckets o'clock
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
