I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
