Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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