So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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