I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
