Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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