he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
