My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
