I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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