But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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