My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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