that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
