TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You made out with two different species that night
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
