Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
