So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
