I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
my liver is dry heaving
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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