I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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