I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
