This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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