she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize