I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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