Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
