Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize