Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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