I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
