As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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