You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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