Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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