I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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