JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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