I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
