Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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