remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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