considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
