Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
