Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
