We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
