Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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