God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i think i just lost a toe
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
