I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
