Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
