My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
