Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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