Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
