There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
