have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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