Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize