1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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