Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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