we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
