Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize