Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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