I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize