Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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