god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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