I think I just saw someone hide a body.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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