I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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