guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize