I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
my poor anus
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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