I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize