Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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