Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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