No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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