I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize