i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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