I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
